Today I had a piece of Trident Layers with Real Fruit Flavor Sweet Cherry and Island Lime sugar-free gum. Layers and layers of flavor. Five calories. At 9:00 PM, exactly.
I woke up at two in the afternoon, dehydrated and hungry with half of my day already gone. And my day kept going. I called my mother, but that only reminded me how antisocial and lonely and sick I am. I need to clean my room, it looks like the worst episode of Hoarders. I watched White Oleander, and it reminded me of how much of an artist I'm not. I watched a Japanese film, Memories of Matsuko, after wrangling with my VLC player for an hour. Matsuko dies fat and alone in an apartment she never leaves. She is sad and lost and lonely and disowned by everyone. And it felt like me, or maybe it didn't, and I started crying. At first they were the kind of tears you can bat away, the kind that feels like you are physically having to make yourself cry. And it quickly turned into silent, gasping screams into my pillow and bawling as quietly as I could. I don't think I've ever felt so lost before.
I was going to clean my room today, it is just as filthy. I was going to write fiction today for my potential major change, I finished nothing. I was going to be social and try to find friends and maybe go out and maybe do some art or do some work or do something and I didn't, I won't, I can't. What is wrong with me, I don't understand, I can't understand. I want to be someone else so desperately, but I can't find anything to want.
I also gained two pounds after two days of fasting. Probably because I can't piss any of the fluids I've been retaining. I can't even do this eating disorder right.
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