This morning was Greek yogurt with brown sugar and shaved coconut, a grapefruit. It couldn't have been more than 500 calories, and it was mostly for the benefit of my hallmates. One girl has fruit and yogurt and some hashbrowns, the other devours a full plate of sausage and eggs. "I feel so fat," she says, and she is to thin and secure to mean anything with the word. Somehow I say I am a vegetarian--only last week I scarf and barfed Sonic Burgers and meatloaf, but now that I've spoken the word aloud it has become true. "It's not that I feel bad for the animals," I say, "I just feel better when I don't eat meat."
The hunger pangs begin by one, but I have no reason to eat for the rest of the day. I swallow my Multivitamin and head to my first class of the day.
My Extended Media teacher's voice wobbles as she speaks, like she's afraid of being slapped. Her eyes are wide and anxious, her knuckles white. Her dark hair is pulled tight and flat against her head in a bun. She leads us on a tour of the printmaking facilities, timidly gesturing at presses and ventilators. When her shaky arm catches the light of a window a thicket of white hair glows with the sun. Lanugo. And her bicycle-spoke legs make sense. But I cannot tell my professor "Stay Strong." I wonder if her searching eyes were actually staring at my swollen cheeks.
I walk for an hour on a search for cigarettes, I feel dizzy and tired as I put my key in the lock of my dorm room. I don't feel lonely or different or special tonight.
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