Isolation

I am very lonely at college, really, but I am doing my best to ignore it. I distract myself from the pangs I get when I see new inside jokes and linked arms with fasting; my ED has always been very good at keeping me from the hardest feelings.

I spend my day light headed and air headed, dizzy on my poor choice of cork wedged sandals, forgetful about whether or not I forgot anything. I break open a pack of 27's but I have difficulty remembering when I've had a cigarette except for the fresh aftertaste on my tongue.

Outside the Art and Design building I forget to flick the ashes and a long cylinder of dust builds at the end of my cigarette. A boy from my classes comes up to talk to me, trying to draw me into some plight with his internet connection. I am too hungry, or maybe just too wrong to have this conversation. If he was hitting on me (it is impossible to tell, I have never been able to tell) I must have put him off for good with my non answers. He is handsome in a slightly involved hipster way, and I vaguely remember thinking he was cute when I first saw him. He has left space beside him in our next seminar, but I sit on a chair in the very last row, alone, instead. I must have put him off for good, like I do everything else.

Today's highlight is a trip to Whole Foods on an empty belly. It is dark outside in this maze of gallerias and cars nearly hit me, but I don't care. My relief and joy at entering the produce section is palpable, and I pour over the aisle like I've arrived in Xanadu. I collect kiwis and grapefruit and asparagus and broccoli. I imagine tasting the dark colored plums. Selecting power bars is harder; I seem to forget that I have over twenty already hoarded in my microfridge on campus. I buy green tea and organic honey and low-sodium tomato soup and Greek yogurt. I even indulge in a canister of Sweet Riot 60% cacao chocolates (140) to sprinkle in the yogurt or my oatmeal--no more than one quarter of the tin per meal, I promise myself. I am more excited about this trip to the supermarket than anything else in a long time, and I haven't even eaten all day. I spend the shuttle ride home fantasizing meals per calorie count and imagining the taste of vanilla Silk soy milk and coconut water. I could never share this with anyone, no one would ever want to share it with me. So tonight I am alone, again, always.