Today I binged like I had completely dissasociated. I was not myself, not my worried binging self, or my disgusted binging self, or my fuck-it-all binging self. I just ate and didn't taste. I ate alone, and I ate until I started feeling ill.
Three pounds.
There is a part of my brain, making excuses... Only food weight, or water weight, a pound at most, one pound isn't too much, you'll fast this week, you'll lose it back...
But I am still stuck on autopilot, and I'm too numb to care. Maybe tomorrow I'll want to kill myself for not purging it up, but tonight I can't care about anything. Not even my irrational ED brain is "on" tonight. My brain is not on tonight.
4 comments:
I've felt that numbness before and its dangerous. the only thing that protects me from damn near killing myself with this ED is reacting to what I do to myself, and convincing myself that I have to try somehow. That feeling of apathy terrifies me.
cheeky cheeks. i hope you're feeling okay this morning, because i know that "the morning after" can be hell. i also hope that you finished your project and made it to class on time. i dearly enjoyed our conversation last night (enough to blog about it, haha) and hope it cheered you up as it cheered me up!
hope today is better. <3
@Sam
Apathy truly is terrifying. I am the most dangerous when I don't give a shit what happens to whatever is left of my body, when I so thoroughly defy the signals my body sends me to stop. Luckily my suicidal and apathetic moods never coincide, the potential results would be the very worst.
@Scarlett
Today was a binge day, and I just downed 22 ducolax with diet coke (what is the point of diet drinks after a binge? I don't know why I try). But today is better if only because being nourished allows me to be sociable and affable and I'm going to smoke some weed by the sand dunes with some new friends before I fall asleep. I am still lonely in my ED thoughts, but it is nice to have friends just to talk about inane things with. I missed that. I just hope I can maintain these relationships when I'm restricting.
That was one of the funner (it's a word now! You can google it!) conversations I've had in a while. I don't know what I'd do with out you <3
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