Hoarders

Hello, my name is _____, and I have a problem. No, not that problem, not the one with the purging and the counting and the measuring tape. I have a new problem, one with hoarding food.

I haven't been eating very much these first few weeks in school--I've dropped six pounds in five days (mostly water weight, the voice in my head says), and today, a "binge," came out to around 850 calories. I haven't been binging, truly, but I've sure been buying food like I am.

My microfridge--meant to supplement my meal plan, to contain maybe a liter of soda and some cashews--is filled to the brim with Powerbars and Lunabars and Larabars and Jocolats and Cliff bars. Even though I purchased over twenty-five in bulk before I left for campus, and the most of those are still stacked neatly by flavor and calorie count, I compulsively need to buy these things when ever I see them. I have over forty now, all weighing in at around 100-250 calories per, and sometimes they fall out of my fridge if I open the door too suddenly. Besides today when I chew and spat and swallowed three sadly, alone in my room, they stay untouched. I have become obsessed with them, and finding my favorite flavors, and planning my 350 calorie days around them (tomorrow, and Sunday, will be fasts, to make up for the mistake that was today). I spent over sixty dollars of my own hard-earned summer money at Whole Foods the other day, and there was no other excuse than a compulsive urge.

There are plenty of other places to graze on campus, salad bars and fruit bars and 0% Greek yogurt bars. There is a vegan cafe and even a Starbucks. All safe foods, all fresh-enough foods, all foods that can easily be beneath my caloric limit. All of which is covered by my parent's own, hard-earned dollars. I feel so guilty and so sad. This is the kind of thing an elderly woman surrounded by cats would do, not a freshman ingenue. Does it make me feel safe, to have these protein bars gaze at me in neat rows that overflow their fragile wire shelves? Does it really?