When my father talks to me...

When my father used to speak with me, his voice was always distant. In every word, even "and" and "is," I heard "You are a disappointment, and I've almost given up entirely that you ever live up to my expectations." When I tried to please him, he had no praise. When I tried to test him, he sighed and left me to duel with my mother. That was unless he wanted to play authoritarian, unless he wanted to yell and impose with his muscles and his voice and how it didn't matter if I was right, never would matter.

Now I guess the change is that I'm not just a failure, but I'm a failure who could die. Now, when my father talks to me, he is still distant... but the tone is more like I'm an old acquaintance he bumped into on a bus. Not a friend, like, a co-worker. Or his dry cleaner. Or his ex-girlfriend's ugly roommate. He updates me about his goings on, and asks about mine with feigned interest. He tries to make his voice pleasant. He never pries, even when I try my best to imply that I want him to.

I don't know what I'm trying to say, except that I think this will never be solved.